Auf Wiedersehen

I’ve been keeping this inside me for what seem a very long time, maybe It’s me and my ego, or maybe it’s you and your never ending closure.  So here goes, an apology to the both of us for how long it took me to say good bye and let everything go.

                You were my first in everything, first boyfriend, first kiss, first date. I know how it would end when I agreed to be in a relationship with you, but I’m a bit naive for thinking that maybe, just maybe that our relationship could actually work. I remember you telling me that you love me, I remember you calling me sayang, I remember your touch and smell, like it was yesterday. But do you remember when I told you that you will be my first and last boyfriend? I realized how selfish it was, not for you, but for me. Do you know how many boys I’ve rejected simply because I couldn’t fathom the thought of them holding my hand like we used to when we’re going to sleep? Or how weird it would be for me when I taste their lips on mine? I just can’t. I’m not strong enough for that.

Funny how it’s been exactly over a year now and your name still cross my mind sometimes. Please trust me when I say that I’m trying my very best to stop holding on to everything that we used to have. When we started our degree life, I thought I could get a fresh start by ignoring you for the whole first semester, boy was I wrong, you will always have a soft spot in my heart no matter what you do. That night we slept together again? I make sure I told you everything what I really felt because I don’t want anymore chances to slide past me.  I know deep inside you knew, without even me telling you, I can see it in your eyes that you don’t want to hurt me. Well, it’s too late for that, you already did.

                The last day of our first semester, you came by my room to say goodbye, I asked you if I’m going to see you again next semester, and you kissed me. At that moment, I realized that there’s no such thing as letting go, there’s only accepting what’s gone. Second semester started and I found out you quit law school, pursuing your studies in UK. Maybe it’s what best for both of us, maybe, one day when our paths will cross each other, when I’m better, we can start over all over again. As for now, I will walk away, with no hate, with all the courage and hope left in me and pray for the best. I’ll improve myself, I’ll learn to be strong, I’ll love myself more, I’ll try and do everything that will make me happy and I hope you too.